Friday, November 9, 2012

Kill Them and Eat Them (2004)

Pack: Tomb of Terrors
Disc: 3

Subgenre(s): Frankenstein, Sci-fi, Comedy(?)

Year: 2004 (IMDb says 2003)

Rated: R
Length: 80 minutes

Director: Conall Pendergast
Writer: Conall Pendergast
Starring: Richard Archer, Lloyd Cameron, Francoise Snobel

Synopsis: Plunge into a putrid abyss of gore-garnished gruesomeness and slime-soaked sin as the sinister Doctor Gore turns soft flesh into hideous mutant skin in a venomous vortex of violence and vileness.


You can't hide in the toilet at this job. The toilet is the office.

You won't get a girlfriend with that jacket and jeans combination.

That gun might just be an electric screwdriver with a tube taped on.

Special effects courtesy of the local elementary school.

Review: It had to happen eventually. Behold, we have the first Canadian entry in this cornucopia of crap. Just ignore the assonance and alliteration of the hyperbolic synopsis above because the only promise of "vileness" that Kill Them and Eat Them delivers is how boring it is.

I honestly don't know what to say about this Frankenstein-esque gorefest of mutants in horrible masks except that I didn't enjoy any of it. Is Kill Them and Eat Them supposed to be a comedy of some kind? I suppose it tries to be a horror movie, but it fails miserably there too.

The only thing good parts are that Richard Archer, who plays Dr. Greg Tobias, Jr, looks a little bit like a young Charlie Sheen from certain angles (he'll love that!), and Francoise Snobel is a smoking hot blonde. There's no real gruesomeness, the only gore is latex splashed with ketchup or corn syrup, and it looks like schoolchildren made the practical and animated effects.

The story of genetic experiments and mutations which run amok has been done way too many times in B movies (and Z-grade rubbish like this). It's so amateurishly done as well that it's a real chore to get through. I doubt Kill Them and Eat Them had any budget at all worth mentioning, but if it cost more than a couple of pizzas, they spent too much.

In spite of the horrible acting, pacing, camerawork and effects, the dialogue would probably be okay in a comicbook meant for 8-year-olds. The comicbook influence is plain to see with all the weird camera angles and animated dissolves. Dr. Tobias even reads a copy of E.C.'s Weird Science at one point. If the cast and crew were trying to make an adult horror movie, they couldn't have done more things wrong.

Kill Them and Eat Them isn't bad enough to be entertaining, it's just plain bad. A sequel is threatened during the credits, but I hope I never have the misfortune to see it.

Most Memorable Moment(s): The mutant going shopping in a supermarket.

Originality: None.

Best Line(s): "We have guns?"
Worst Line(s): "They'll conveniently eat the evidence of any wrongdoing."

Best Effect(s): Gun barrel stuck in a mutant's eye socket.
Worst Effect(s): The mutant's masks.

Goriness (out of 10): 2
Sexiness (out of 10): 1
Profanities (out of 10): 1

Hottest Actor/Actress: Francoise Snobel as Kellin (although Richard Archer was a very close runner-up).

"My goal is to become a veterinarian 'cause I love children!"

Picture Quality: Average (4:3 ratio)
Audio Quality: Average

Rating (out of 10): 1


IMDb or Wiki:

Final Thoughts: I never want to watch this ever again! I've had to buy St. John's Wort pills because I can feel my will to live slipping away.

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