Pack: Tomb of Terrors
Subgenre(s): Sci-fi, Witchcraft, Softcore Porn
Length: 87 minutes
Director: Greg Lewolt
Writer: Greg Lewolt
Starring: Brinke Stevens, Vesper Almasy, Tuesday Coren
Synopsis: A coven of witches use alien DNA to turn an unborn baby into one of them.
|Not sure if stripper or wrestler.|
|Wants to eat fruit but baby wants blood.|
|Sure you're a licensed massage therapist.|
Review: Apparently, I was wrong about The Cutting Room being the closest thing to porn on disc 2 of "Tombs of Terrors". Demon Sex (aka Demon Seduction) is a real softcore porn movie with a minimal and confusing story tying the various sex scenes together.
It all starts with a voiceover about aliens creating vampires and demons as servants, but it's hard to hear. The distorted narration comes out of the left speaker while some horrible progressive rock music booms out of the right.
If you can make it through the first 6 minutes which look like someone filmed their primary school science experiment of baking soda and coca-cola for YouTube, you will get to meet the morbidly obese scientist behind it. His "high tech DNA lab" seems to consist of the only space left on his computer desk which doesn't have alien heads from the most recent comicbook convention cluttering it up. The next four minutes of waffle are the most important for establishing the story. Trust me on this, they really are.
At 10 minutes in, the scene jumps inexplicably to a strip club where we are treated to a routine from a ropey-looking, old, pole-dancer (who might even be a guy), followed by a much younger punk couple pretending to "get it on" on the same stage for 10 minutes more. The reason we are shown all this footage is because Toby Dammit, the morbidly obese scientist (referred to as "DNA Lab Man" in the credits), likes to hang out at this club (which belongs to his buddy) when he isn't reverse engineering alien DNA. Okay, everyone needs a hobby, I suppose.
The pretty Goth girl from the punk couple needs a job and a place to live. She befriends Toby Dammit in passing, but after she refuses the advances of the strip club owner (J. Scott Bovitz), she and her pregnant girlfriend are taken in by a coven of witches led by The Dragonlady (Brinke Stevens). I'm summarising, of course, but I have no idea how one thing leads to another either.
At the witches' house, tubes are inserted into the girlfriend while everyone else (other than the morbidly obese scientist who is still back at the club) has lots of not very interesting softcore heterosexual sex (and some slightly better sapphic eroticism) for no other reason than to kill the boyfriends as food for the baby(?) in the process. If bad skin and tramp stamps are your thing, you might enjoy this. Today I learned that small boobs get cellulite too.
A couple of the girls aren't bad looking, but who is Brinke Stevens and why is she such a big name in these low-budget horror films? I'd never even heard of her back when she was supposed to be famous, have never seen her in a good movie (or any movie, for that matter), and certainly had no desire to see a 60 year old woman nude. Unfortunately, among all the other boring sex scenes which occur at the witches' house, after The Dragonlady snaps the head off the DNA Lab Man's boss, Brinke Stevens does indeed cover her boobs with blood and massage them for a good ten minutes. Ugh! Vile.
When The Dragonlady kills the fat scientist with a hairpin all the loose ends who know about what is going on with the witches and the DNA are tied-up. As someone who couldn't make head nor tail out of what was going on anyway, I ask you, who even cares? It's not as if the characters are developed in any way. Finally, Brinke Stevens gets to wander around cuddling the green alien baby, and this movie is mercifully over.
Most Memorable Moment(s): The odd computer generated buildings between scenes.
Best Line(s): "Only women can be part of our new world, and we'll all be the best of friends."
Worst Line(s): "Mommy needs her skin."
Best Effect(s): The guy getting the skin on his kneecap sliced.
Worst Effect(s): Dr. Gene's head being snapped off.
Goriness (out of 10): 1
Sexiness (out of 10): 6
Profanities (out of 10): 1
Hottest Actor/Actress: Vesper Almasy (I have no idea if that's her real name or even if I've matched it to the right actress).
|"She's got legs, she knows how to use them."|
Picture Quality: Below average (4:3 ratio)
Audio Quality: Poor - vocals on left, music on right throughout.
Rating (out of 10): 1
IMDb or Wiki: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0481504/
Final Thoughts: Is it possible to unsee something?