Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Barely Legal Lesbian Vampires (2004)


Pack: Tomb of Terrors
Disc: 4

Subgenre(s): Vampires

Year: 2004 (IMDb says 2003)

Rated: Unrated
Length: 79 minutes

Director: Tim R. Swartz
Writer: Tim R. Swartz
Starring: Lolita Langsuir, Stephanie Bloode, Theda Baire

Synopsis: Carmilla, the Queen of the Lesbian Vampires, shows the pleasures of girl-on-girl love to sweet young Lilith with depraved vampires of Carmilla's coven. Horror host, Mr. Creeps, brings back the spirit of Ed Wood to solve the problems of these demented Goth scream queens.

Screencaps:

"Camilla likes talking in the third-person like a 3 year old."

"I'll teach you to wear shiny plastic fangs!"

Hiding behind a curtain doesn't work unless you're behind it.

Love means never having to say that your hair has changed colour.

Review: Also known as Barely Legal Lesbian Vampires: The Curse of Ed Wood!, this is what happens when someone gets a cheap camcorder for Christmas and knows a few reasonable attractive Goth friends who are willing to take all their clothes off.

I must admit that some of the girls have very nice bodies and all the caressing is quite erotic in places, but facially they aren't quite so hot and their cheap fangs look terrible. If "barely legal" means "in their thirties" then the title of this movie isn't misleading at all.

It's hardly worth mentioning the story, but I'll see if I can condense it into one or two sentences anyway much like the writer of this dreck. Basically, blonde Lilith (Stephanie Bloode) falls out with her lesbian lover (Theda Baire) and goes to the local cemetery to mope. There she is seduced by Camilla (Lolita Langsuir) who refers to herself in the third-person and is taken back to Camilla's coven of vampire BDSM enthusiasts. Muffy the Vampire Slayer (Circe) turns up at the girlfriend's house brandishing a sword and tells the girlfriend about the undead. Then Muffy randomly finds a vampire prostitute who she strangles with one hand until she learns of Carmilla's whereabouts. After an interlude where a middle-aged vampiress (Dawn South) seduces an equally middle-aged male date (Gene Pasadena) in preparation for Camilla's party, Muffy turns up at the coven house, throws a bottle of Holy water around, and rescues Lilith who now wears a black wig because she's a vampire too, but not, of course, without getting bitten in the process.

If any of this sounds interesting to you then I advise some intensive psychiatric therapy rather than watching Barely Legal Lesbian Vampires even out of curiosity. I wish I had the 79 minutes of my life back which I spent watching this crap.

The acting is abysmal, the camerawork even worse, and I don't even want to discuss the bits where "Mr. Creepo" is looking for his "uncle" Ed Wood to help him make the movie. There's no point to any of that anyway. This film is beyond even the worst thing that Ed Wood ever made.

Most Memorable Moment(s): All the sapphic stroking and pawing at each other.

Originality: None

Best Line(s): "He has experienced every deviancy and perversion known to man and demon alike... and he's revelled in it."
Worst Line(s): "Tell Camilla all about it. Camilla wants to help you, pretty little girl."

Best Effect(s): The costumes.
Worst Effect(s): The vampire prostitute's death with superimposed flames and a stake held against one boob.

Goriness (out of 10): 1
Sexiness (out of 10): 3
Profanities (out of 10): 1

Hottest Actor/Actress: Circe as Muffy the Vampire Slayer.

This Circe is enchanting.

Picture Quality: Average (4:3 ratio)
Audio Quality: Average

Rating (out of 10): 1

Trailer:


IMDb or Wiki: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0892864/

Final Thoughts: How is it even possible to spoil a movie about lesbian vampires? Now I know it can be done.

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